· I am directionally
challenged and I was never a good driver to begin with.
· If you want me to be
your designated driver after dark, you should get drunk enough not to realize
how badly I drive home.
· I used to love barbecue
flavored Fritos but they stopped making them and now all you can get are
barbecue/chili flavored Fritos that are shaped like small augers rather than
Fritos. Not only do they hurt the roof of my mouth, the don't go with the
vanilla vodka Vicodin martinis I prefer for breakfast.
· I'm a loving drunk, but
a rather impatient sober person: so the best time to drop in is around noon.
· I was not born mediocre. Mediocrity was thrust upon me.
· I know where my shadow
goes when I turn off the light.
· I have opinions and have
no compunction about not substantiating many of them. Hell, if I could
substantiate them, they'd be facts.
· My spirit animal is a
unicorn because they can stab people with their faces.
· My favorite books are
the Bible and The Art of the Deal.
· I have never read my
favorite books.
· I have the best cat
ever. I will fight you.
· I prefer being described
as differently average rather than as mediocre.
· Just because I don't
judge doesn't mean I don't form opinions.
· I can feel sound.
· I founded the Acme
Gorilla Rental Company.
· I never gave love for
money, but I did give love away. Mild regrets.
· Being a caregiver sucks.
· I am a good listener and
I am hearing impaired.
· I don't believe in
coincidences. Except for that time I won the lottery, and when I went to pick up
my winnings I was reunited with my twin who had been separated at birth
because we picked the same numbers.
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