My Xmas Letter

We all have one. A friend or family member who writes a xmas letter with generic updates about their grandchildren, their cats, their trips to places we’ll never go and how this year was a happy fun time filled with glitter and oozing with buttery goodness.  But when do we hear from our distant relative with a prison record, an oxygen tank strapped to their ‘lectric wheelchair, and a rusting immobile home parked on a lot littered by old refrigerators and derelict "vee-hicles" on cinderblocks?  

Speaking only for myself here: not often enough.

So, here’s my xmas letter from that relative which I share with the world in the spirit of the season.

So another year has passed here in Hanging Gardens Mobile Estates in sunny Goatfuck Arizona, home of the unicorn chupacabra, the world’s largest freeway-adjacent AM-PM store, and the highest tattoo parlor-to-citizen ratio in the American Southwest.

And what a year it’s been, with Daddy getting out of prison early because of overcrowding and Junior moving back into the old schoolbus in the backyard when he began his court-ordered trial separation from Darla and the twins Oona and Otis. Oona got her first period this year, so our little princess is a grown up woman now in case any of you distant cousins are fixin' to visit next year and looking for a new baby momma. Otis got his finger sewed back on so you’d hardly notice it’s a tiny bit crooked after the duck hunting hatchet accident. 

We had some bad news this year too but what don't kill us makes us stronger. Daddy's momma, Patsy Jo passed away in the home this past summer. The doc says it was from an infection she got during a knife fight with another resident over the TV remote, but Daddy says he thinks she just as likely died of pure cussedness because he couldn't bring her weekly carton of cigarettes when he was in prison and she never forgave him.

We are truly blessed by Our Lord and Savior who arranged for the tornado to pass over our home and flatten them trailer trash at nearby Happy Acres Trailer Haven while leaving us downwind to take our pick of the falling debris. Got us some new TV trays with hardly any rust stains, and a ratchet that Daddy hooked to the wall next to my TV chair so there’s room for my ashtray to sit on top of the oxygen tank hose connection – very convenient.

Since my boys came home, we've all been trying to eat healthier this year and it's really paying off praise Jesus. My leg that was all swole up last year from The Sugar has gone down some and I can now fit into the truck to go to WalMart most months to cash my disability check and buy a few cases of diet cola to go with my low fat cheesey poofs. I mostly skip the Little Debbie aisle when grocery shopping. I'm sticking to them non-fat pudding cups because the empty cups make nice disposable ashtrays. Them global warming wingnuts would be proud of how I'm recycling to save the planet and whatnot.

Our guard dogs Tiny and Poopsie-Pie (y’all remember the cute story about how Poopsie Pie got her name, right?) are doing well. Turned out we didn’t have to put Tiny down after the incident with the UPS man because the guy up and died of rabies and couldn’t testify so there weren't no proof Tiny done it. It was just a friendly nip anyways and that UPS guy was always too stuck up for my taste. Not Tiny’s though, ha ha.

Junior’s P.O. visits regularly and is impressed that Junior is turning his life around. Junior is proud to show the P. O his vegetable garden, except for a few potted plants that he moves inside our trailer when the P.O. comes because the plants don’t like too much sunshine on visiting days. We got us a few tomatoes and some okra but the critters ate all them mustard greens before I could cook them. Turns out that was for the best because Daddy says the propane tank is almost empty and we might want to heat the trailer on Xmas when we have everybody over to watch the all-day Matlock marathon the big screen, and share a couple buckets of Chick-fil-A and some mean greens.

We hope y’all have a happy Xmas and a new year filled with the love and bounty of Baby Jesus, Amen.

Your loving Aunt (Dora Jean)