I'll Just Be A Minute

So. There was this guy in the parking lot this morning at the public garden where I volunteer. He had managed to parallel park perfectly, but at a right angle to the parking places that are clearly painted to indicate drivers should pull in facing the curb. He parked next to the curb like you would do on a city street.

Me:  Sir, maybe you would like to move your car into that handicapped spot.

WISIMH:  You know, so others could use one or two of the three places you just managed to fill. Just guessing here, but you seem crazy enough to deserve a handicapped spot.

Crazy Old Man:  I’ll just be a minute.

Me:  Well then that’s perfectly all right.

WISIMH:  You know, because it will give me time to slash your tires, you asshole. Your powers of logical reasoning take my breath away. Seriously. By that reasoning I could double park at the reservoir if I was quick about poisoning the city's water supply and didn't block any traffic while I was at it. Ok, not too logical but just as reasonable.

COM:  I’m just going to drop off this check at the office.

ME:  I’m headed that way. Would you like me to take it there for you? I’m a volunteer here so I’d be happy to deliver it.

COM:  (Looking at my sketchy attire and giving no thought to the fact that this is a garden and people who volunteer here often garden and thus get dirty and thus wear old clothes). Well, maybe, but it’s for my membership, and maybe I better take it there myself because my membership expired…

Me: I understand. Do you know where the office is?

WISIMH:  And you know, I could do what exactly with your stupid $25 check your paranoid old fool? Forge an endorsement because I look like a hungry homeless hobo? Maybe I’ll just eat the check you dork because I’m so desperately hungry. Besides, I could knock you over with this bucket I’m carrying and you’d break a hip and I could then steal the check, and I’d also take that 10% coupon for the early bird special at Applebee’s that I see in the pocket of your flannel shirt.

COM:  I’m sure I can find it.

Me:  Ok, well have a nice day.

WISIMH:  If your orienteering skills match your parking skills I’m likely to find your desiccated corpse under a bush next week. Serve you right, you distrustful awful driver.

And this is why I don’t give tours to members of the public, but instead work in the vegetable garden where I only have to talk to a few other volunteers who know what a kind and gentle soul I really am when properly medicated.