Cider for Lunch

When life gives you lemons your lemonade is gonna suck unless life also gives you sugar and water.
 - Nobody here

I have a talking scale. It belonged to DOB and just because she moved out a few years ago, I wasn't going to toss it out. Since it's the closest thing to an in-law living under my roof, you could say it's my step-scale.  Step on it, and a pleasant lady's voice says:

Talking Scale:  Your weight is... 170.5 pounds. (If I'm lucky)

Me:  Bitch.

Then, she started talking to herself. I would come into the bathroom and she'd be saying

TS: Your weight is... 1.4 pounds.

Then the digital display would say "low" which I suppose was a some kind of cry for help.

So, I replaced the 9 volt battery.

Then...

TS: (Crickets)

Silent Digital Display: Err

Which I assumed was the scale clearing her throat to say I am so heavy that she'd prefer not to say out loud what my actual weight is. I may have mentioned I prefer to say I have gravitas rather than that I'm morbidly obese.

So, I changed the battery. Again.

TS: Your weight is 79 kilos
       Your weight is 80 kilos
       Your weight is 76.5 kilos.

I felt all anorexic and shit until I found a switch on the bottom that said Kl on one side and Lb on the other. But it doesn't matter which side I move the switch to. All she'll give me is kilos. And inconsistently. It sucks to be me.

Time for more cider. Hard, of course. 10.5% ABV to be specific. About twice as strong as I usually have. Stupid scale.