A Portionless Woman Answers Hypothetical Internet Questions

“An heiress may fairly look for a husband at any age. But a portionless woman had better give up all such thoughts when she is thirty, and spare her family the expense of going much into company. For it will all be wasted. Nothing will come of it.”

 - Anna Dean, A Gentleman of Fortune

Internet: What walks on four legs in the morning, two legs in the afternoon, and three legs at night?

PW: A breakfast table, a ladder in the garage, and a cheap stool in a dive bar.

Internet: Does acid cause loss of short term memory? What about attention span?

PW: Ask again later. 

Internet: On the Internet, can people really tell whether you’re a dog?

PW:  Well, people on the Internet do seem to be pretty good at sniffing out assholes.

Can dogs and cats marry?

PW:

If everybody walked off a cliff, would you?

PW: No, Your Mom. No I wouldn’t.

If it isn’t broken, should you fix it?

PW: You’d certainly be a fool to try if nobody else does.

Can beggars be choosey?
PW: No. But wrt/acid and short term memory, I do recall that this one time I practically asphyxiated myself trying to clean a marble floor in a poorly venilated area with muriatic acid.

Internet: 

PW: Your attention span is short af.

Is a portionless woman doomed to never marry?

PW: We are all doomed, my friends. Portionless woman do have more options to chose their doom.