The National Academy of Sciences Should Sponsor Research into Assholia

Speaking of aging well, I have a friend who recently speculated about whether our longtime husbands had always been assholes or if they only evolved into assholes as they aged poorly. You know what they say about the A-word: everybody has one, some people are one. I could get into a whole essay on asshology and the great philosophical controversy about whether it’s nature or nurture.

So I will.

Most researchers have concluded that once and a-hole, always an a-hole. It's a latent trait that may or may not metastasize into the part of the brain where social skills, situational awareness, empathy and personal hygiene once resided. While there are young assholes, I’m talking here about men who become assholes sometime between 50 and 60. About the same age hair starts growing out of their ears. 

I concur with these professional asshologicians and certified assholeticians who insist that one day a guy can be a kind human being, funny, intelligent and clever, loving and sexy. Then, snap. Like women instantly become crones when they stop what the old school called “riding the cotton pony”, some men become asses overnight when they hit men-o-pause. I’ve spoken before about how a wise woman once taught that some men, when they are no longer sexually active, still miss the passion. If they can’t have sexual passion, some learn to incite anger and impatience in their partner just to have some passion spit into their shriveled souls. Being an asshole is the true path to generating passion.

The question that NAS should fund (and what my research will fund when I come into my rightful reward, i. e. a lot of money in consideration for the moderately bothersome trials and tribulations I’ve undergone in my over-privileged and narcissistic life) is: what activates the A-gene cluster in some men and not others? Which leads to other questions: can we recognize the warning signs and risk factors like we now can with say, stroke or early onset Alzheimer’s? 

(At some point, I suppose we might want to look into diagnosing and treating, possibly even curing or preventing late onset assholia. Sadly for me, the race to the cure is totally lost,. My only remaining treatment of choice is assisting at an assisted suicide.)

The science to date that I just made up for this post tells us that we’re talking about aging and whether you can do so with grace and grit and raging against that good night. Or whether as you age you shrivel, and whimper and whinge, and do nothing to maintain (let alone improve) your physical and mental health.

Breaking news: while further research is required, so far, my peer-reviewed research has identified some of the warning signs to look for in men 18-35 that put them at risk for having their operating systems downgraded to A.1.

1. Flirting with age-inappropriate other women while he’s with his lady
2.  Latent or overt homophobia
3. Finding sarcasm and jokes about his lady’s imperfections to be hilarious 
4.  “Humorously” chiding her for not getting/taking a “joke”
5. Not reciprocating wrt/ #3.
6. Watching and enjoying TV shows including but not limited to: Big Bang Theory, 2.5 Men, My Cat From Hell, and Bait Car. (OK listen, don’t ask about NASCAR. If you have to ask about NASCAR, you deserve each other.) (I have strong suspicions about professional sports and ESPN in general, but who am I to judge? My favorite TV show is Murder, She Wrote).
7.  Calling other men Bro while judging other guys who behave like pretentious hipsters. (Corollary: The older the guy tries to retain his hipsterism, the sadder. And the more - and more elaborate - his facial hair, the greater likelihood of a-holism.)
8. Dissing the younger generation/immigrants/political foes/religious foes, but liking Chuck Norris (If you have to ask about liking Steven Segal, don’t bother. If you have to ask that you wouldn’t know the difference between an asshole and an Asshole if you were kissing it/him.)
9.  Expecting you to own responsibility for making his medical, dental, barber, tax/accountant, auto maintenance or other appointments. And for reminding him. The very first time he asks is the only chance she gets. If his lady takes the bait, they’re both doomed.
10. Asking his lady on a date/vacation then expecting her to arrange for any baby-sitting or pet-sitting, or in-flight snacks.
11. Bragging to his grown sons and/or relative strangers about how he was such a stud and bad boy at the son’s age instead of teaching/showing other guys how to respect women: from opening doors to not performing GSM.
12. Preferring smooth peanut butter to extra crunchy peanut butter. Why? I’ll tell you why: if they can't chew tiny peanut chips, they don’t have good oral hygiene and they’re bound to have dentures by the time they’re 60. And no, a gummy blow job isn’t as much fun as they think. Sorry, but somebody had to say it.)

Maybe somebody can create one of those stupid multiple choice questions people post on FB “12 Warning Signs That Your Guy May Become and Asshole by Age 50”. Girls, if the guy gets a score over 50%, run! Don’t try to prevent or fix it. Because gentlemen it’s your problem. As a wise man once explained to me “Not my farm, not my pig.”  I’ve got enough problems of my own.  I could go into a long essay about that.

But I won’t.