What I Didn’t Mean to Say Aloud

I am almost certain that I know the difference between saying things in my head and inadvertently saying them out loud. When unsure, I try to recite the Serenity So-called Prayer, which you’ll have to google because it’s too much of a cliché for me to care about reciting aloud.

I am almost certain it’s not the Insanity Prayer:

Man, grant me perspicacity

To love the things I cannot kill,

The sobriety to fix the things I can, and

The sentience to give a rat’s ass.

The other day, The Other Guy had lunch with me.

The Other Guy:  I ordered stuff we talked about online.

Me: I’m glad. The Internet is the way to get stuff directly without having to go out shopping.

WISIMH:  And to pay bills if you weren’t so afraid the coming apocalypse will destroy the internet and we’ll loose all our financial records about taxes and bills. Which is hilarious because your paper filing system as organized as tossing a 6 pins out the window of a crop sprayer above a hay field.

TOG:  I had it to delivered to where you live, not to my new place.

M: Because?

TOG:  It’s expensive and I’m not sure about receiving stuff delivered directly here.

WISIMH: Which is understandable given the fact that you’ve received several things I’ve ordered online and had delivered to you, and I see a UPS or mail truck every time I’m there, and your lobby has a front desk manned 24/7 by a person who puts stuff in mailboxes and calls you when packages are delivered.

M: Or because you’re afraid I’ll never come to see you if I don’t have to deliver stuff you order, or mail, or light bulbs, or other crap of yours, or take you shopping or to the doctor?

TOG: No. It’s just I know delivery to your place is dependable.

M: It’s the same deliverer. Possibly even the same guy on the same route only you’re at the early part of the day and he doesn’t get to our house until dinnertime. The USPS knows where both our places are.

What I Didn’t Mean to Say Aloud: Sweetie, I know it’s not funny that you fear I will abandon you…

What I Hope I Said in My Head:  …like you did to your mother when I kicked her out of this house…

What I Really Mean Because I Love You: … even if I could.